Psychology Today's Dr. Randi Gunther on rediscovering love. Relationships commonly blossom with long-term acquaintances. But when someone moves on from their normal surroundings and no longer spends time in the familiarity of what they've grown up with they typically turn to dating apps or other social situations. Here are some tips and food for thought from Dr. Randi Gunther:
"1. Mutual Acquaintances
One of the reasons being fixed up by friends has a higher probability of relationship success is because the person who is doing that for you has good reasons for thinking you would click with each other. When you are dating a stranger, that person should have people who can easily vouch for their truthfulness. They don’t hide them from you.
2. Research on social media
Any legitimate person you meet should not be concerned if you want to look him or her up on Google or other social media platforms. There should be ample amounts of information that this person you’ve met is actually who they are. Did that person actually attend the college he or she told you about? Did they work for the companies they talk about? Do their stories add up? You can even ask a potential partner how they feel about your checking them out. The reaction will tell you a lot.
3. Invitations to join that person’s social circle or family members
People who have friends and who seem to like you want to get you together with others they care about. Perhaps not in the first few dates, but, if they continue to isolate you from others, those others may not exist, or know things about that person he or she doesn’t want you to know.
4. Their behavior doesn’t add up to what they tell you
He tells you that he loves hiking, but when you ask him which trails he prefers, he tells you that he doesn’t know. She talks about her love of volunteering her time at a women’s shelter but then tells you she can’t tell you the name of it because it’s confidential. He tells you how much he loves kids, but he's always busy when your sister is visiting with her children. She says she loves reading the way you do, but there isn’t a single book in her apartment.
5. When you are never invited to where they live
When you’ve dated someone a few times, and they always insist upon picking you up, or meeting you somewhere, they might just be embarrassed about where or how they live, but it is more likely they have something to hide. People you can trust tell you up front where they’re from, who they live with, what they do for a living, whether and when they’re available and why, and if they are currently also dating others.
6. When you can only reach them on a cell phone and at certain times
What footprints are they making on paths that are not those with you? FBI agent? Not likely. Angry ex? Fishy. Just started a new job that doesn’t allow interruptions from outside? Truly suspicious. Blaming it on your not being able to trust? Not acceptable.
7. Crazy-making: gaslighting and ghosting
If you are becoming increasingly aware that many of the stories you are being told don’t add up, you want to pay close attention to the reaction to challenging that reality. An authentic person will provide convincing reasons for the discrepancies. But, if there are multiple excuses, explanations, and challenges to your not being trusting enough, be aware. Don’t look away if there are multiple promises of behavioral change that don’t materialize. He or she may be a master of charming avoidance, living life in compartments that do not overlap."
-Dr. Randi Gunther PhD
Check out the full article HERE
Gunther, R. (2023, January 31). Do you know who you're dating? Psychology Today. Retrieved January 31, 2023, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/202301/do-you-know-who-youre-dating